Monday, June 23, 2008

Love in the time of


romantic:  
1 :  consisting of or resembling a romance
2 : having no basis in fact : imaginary
3 : impractical in conception or plan : visionary
4a : having an inclination for romance ; responsive to the appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous b : marked by expressions of love or affection c : conducive to or suitable for lovemaking

I don't know whether it's the time of year or just the current season of my life.  It could very well be my renewed obsession with Gabriel Garcia Marquez or the songs of love found and lost that seem to be finding their way into my iPod lately.  Maybe it's the New Me that somehow suddenly popped up fresh and shiny from the recesses of a sad routine.  But somehow, every day, I can't stop smiling.

In my quest to be the best Me--adventure-seeking, hard-loving, faith-walking, career planning, super ambitious Me--seeing so many friends get married lately has left me feeling like a bit of an underachiever.  If they can manage to have a career, see the world, and find a mate, why can't I?  But while pairing off may pay great dividends, and the temptation is huge to look for the Next Great Love of My Life, I'm finding it even more rewarding to pour deeply into the relationships with the fantastic people already in my life.  The art of listening, of showing unconditional love, of grabbing someone by the hand and dragging them out to the dance floor, of acts of kindness and support, of forgiveness, of true empathy--really putting your feet in someone else's shoes for a time, of laughing, long and hard.  These things don't just improve the lives of the people around us, they allow us to drink deeply from our own lives as well.

Things I have discovered in the past few weeks:
 - It's never a mistake put other people before yourself, even if you end up getting hurt
 - When your heart aches, the best medicine is to exercise it
 - There are never enough hours in the day to dance
 - Just because a friend is on the other side of the world, it doesn't mean she can't be your heroine and confidante
 - Sometimes the answer to all life's problems is in a swing in a village
 - An open train door and a full moon make a wonderful combination

Sunday, May 18, 2008

A lot riding on Rs. 160...

My daily life is a study of the dichotomous nature of this amazing country.  One day I'm buying luxurious clothes made by inventive new Indian designers, the next I'm stranded on the road after dark with a flat scooter tyre.

Now, I've always thought of myself as a fairly independent and resourceful person.  But there I was, on a semi-suburban road, with a flat tyre and completely empty pockets.  I had a blackberry in one pocket, an iPod touch in the other, and was dressed in the new designer and wearing some funky heels, but my wallet was completely empty.   I managed to find several coins in my handbag and headed down to the petrol pump about a half a kilometer down the road, tire flapping and scooter shaking all the way.

When the man at the air station saw me, he sadly shook his head and pointed me around the corner where an entreprising fellow had set up a small tyre-fixing business against the wall of the petrol pump.  He efficiently removed my tyre and the tube inside and found the hole, which was really more of a crack resulting from wear and tear, the heat, and the fact that it was two years old and hadn't been replaced since I bought to scooter!  He kept asking me to sit down in a plastic chair that magically materialized, but I was content to watch his handywork.  When he tested the tube for leaks in a basin of water, two more holes made themselves known, and I resigned myself to buying a new tube.  

I have been hardened by purchasing $600 new brakes, hundreds of dollars in insurance, and expensive new tyres in the US, and I was fully expecting to be fleeced.  He took out a little package from under his worktable, which contained a new tube he said would work, and showed me the price--Rs. 140, about $3.50.  Total price for his half hour of work on the old tyre and replacing the new one--Rs. 20, 50 cents!

While he was working, a called a dear friend to come rescue me from my lack of $4.  He showed up on his white horse, er, in his white car, and paid the guy, adding 10 rupees as tip.  I rode off into the night with several conclusions:

1) Life in India may be frustrating at times, but it is also infinitely simpler and easier in many respects.  Where in the US can you get a mechanic to fix your car, at 8pm on a Sunday night, in half an hour, while you wait, for less than the price of a Diet Coke?

2) Forget independence.  In Hyderabad, your strength lies in the people who care about you, and I'm fortunate to have many who wouldn't think twice about coming to my rescue.

3) Do I really trust this tyre?  Yes, I think I do.  This is how millions of people get their tyres fixed, and they're not worried just because the price was so low!


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Out of touch with the Times

For the last two weeks, I have blissfully been enjoying my life of freedom from employment. After leaving my job, life has been surprisingly productive -- I have been able to run errands to my heart's content, meet friends for lunch, get in a lot of reading, but the one thing that has been starkly missing from the last two weeks has been my daily obsession, the New York Times.

With no internet at home and no easy access near my house, I have not been able to spend leisurely hours in front of the computer screen catching up on the latest in the American Presidential race or read fascinating articles on behavior or health. I have been blissfully unaware of the status of Musharraf's miliary state, and haven't been able to follow up on the latest Chavez drama. I haven't heard of the latest environmental crisis in China.

For a long time I have mentally chasitised the American youth for being too out of touch with the outside world. Only concerned with what happens on Main Street, or at the very most Capitol Hill, many young Americans today just don't know much about life outside of their surburban bubbles. And isn't it true that the things you fear most are the things you know the least about?

What is the solution to fear of being "Bangalored" (or "Bengalurued," now I guess, but I digress)? What is the greatest weapon in the war on terror? How do we cure the apathy about the environmental crisis our planet seems to be plunging into?

Education. Simple understanding of our own personal universe and the world around us. Time spent with people different than us.

Now, I've got to run, I have a date with the Times.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Note to self...

...Praise children for trying hard, not for doing well!

The Many Errors in Thinking about Mistakes

"In a study that Professor Dweck and her reserachers did with 400 fifth graders, half were randomly praised as being "really smart" for doing well on a test; the others were praised for their effort.

They were then given two tasks to choose from: an easy one that they would learn little from but do well, or a more challenging one that might be more interesting but induce more mistakes.

The majority of those praised for being smart chose the simple task, while 90 percent of those commended for trying hard selected the more difficult one."

Apparently we learn more from our failures than our successes -- go figure!

Monday, December 03, 2007

For those who like things just so...

Which kind of perfectionist are you?

A recent New York Times article talks about the dangers of perfectionism: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/04/health/04mind.html?8dpc

"Some researchers divide perfectionists into three types, based on answers to standardized questionnaires:
  • Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression
  • Outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships
  • Those desperate to live up to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders."
The article also says: "Unlike people given psychiatric labels, however, perfectionists neither battle stigma nor consider themselves to be somehow dysfunctional."

Dysfunctional? And I always thought perfectionism was an asset! Guess I better watch myself for signs of being self-critical, expecting perfection from others, and trying to live up to someone else's ideal...

Not sure if you're a perfectionist? Take the test: http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/perfectionism_access.html

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Mystery

www.smithsonianmag.com/people-places/ark-covenant-200712.html

Recently, my dad sent me the following article about the Ethiopian Orthodox Church and their claim that they are the keepers of the Ark of the Covenant.

For me, it stirred up thoughts and feelings about the role of faith and mystery in today's church.

Growing up in the US, Christianity (and Catholicism especially) seems so contemporary, normal, and, well, safe ... almost like the mystery has been shaken and squeezed out of it. You go to church, remain solemn and mostly silent, say your prayers (with heads bowed and hands clasped in front of you) to the benevolent God to "put your time in" on Sunday morning and spend very little time the rest of the week thinking about your faith. This attitude, as far as I can tell, stems from belief in the "Scale Theory" of religion, but more on that later.

At least, this is how it was for me -- I understand that some people, my incomparable Grandma Pesek among them, find a close connection with the heavenly through Catholic rituals --beautiful hymns that echo the angels, rituals handed down for generations, but for me, they were obstacles in my path to creating a relationship with a personal God.

I started reading through the whole Bible earlier this year and was really struck by a couple things -- first, that they sacrificed animals in the Old Testament, a fact that I'm sure I was aware of, but didn't really hit home. It was a little like reading in the news about terrorist attacks in Asia or civil wars in small Carribean nations -- doesn't quite hit you until you see it first hand.

I visited the Golconda Fort here in Hyderabad about a year ago. The fort was built as a Fortress for the Nizam (Muslim leader of India from the 14th and 15th centuries) but has since been overtaken by the Hindus as a place for prayer and sacrifice. Dozens, maybe even hundreds of chickens in various states of sacrifice were on display all over the fort compound, with solemn prayers to the Hindu gods spoken in reverence and piety. For someone who has grown up in the sheltered cove of suburban and rural American, it was at once one of the most revolting and amazing things I've seen in India, and certainly something that had no parallel in my life before that.

It was shortly after that that I read about sacrifice in the Old Testament -- God goes into almost morbid detail about the nature and substance of the sacrifices. The rift in my mind between the strange and exotic rituals of the Hindus at Golconda Fort and the somber Sunday Catholic services of my youth closed in an instant and I began to first understand, in awe, the power of Christ's work on the cross. The crucifixion and resurrection, which had previously been mixed with thoughts of Easter time chocolate bunnies and marshmallow chicks, suddenly became the most humbling and ultimately life changing event that has ever happened on the face of the planet.

It is this mystery that is the lifeblood of faith. Ultimately, in the articled I've linked above, the author considers entering the holy of holies to see for himself whether the ark in question is really the Ark of the Old Testament but is stopped by a healthy fear of the powers of God. It is this same mystery that creates a healthy fear in those of us who believe in the power of a living God.

Of course, for me, everything goes back to Ecclesiastes 3 :)

The eternal question:
"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men."

And the answer, in three parts. One:
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." -- God loves us too much to give us lives that are happy and pain-free but ultimately create self-centered people who always get what they want -- he weaves in mourning, weeping, death, war, and even hatred into the fabric of our lives to give us depth and strength to make us his beautiful creations.

Two:
"He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;" -- We are made not for this world, but for the next.

Three:
"yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." -- Ah, the mystery that creates the faith that pleases God.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

From the Archives: May 2006

Indian cities affect newcomers like a full on assault. There are attacks on all sides—blink while crossing the road and you’re nearly run over by an auto rickshaw, rest for a moment to catch your breath and you’re swarmed by beggars, relax and the entire populace will trample you without a second thought.

A dizzying flurry moves constantly before your eyes. A swirl of rich, deep, exotic colors—saris from every walk of life—are the first things on which my eyes begin to focus. Garlands of flowers are tied to long black tresses and ankles are adorned with tiny tinkling bells. Smooth brown skin, visible only from the neck up and the elbows down, and paradoxically to me, an incongruous window between the high-waisted shirt and the drape of the sari across the torso, glistens with sweat from the daily exertions of living. Some saris are refined and elegant, lending an air of poise and sophistication, an island of calm in a sea of chaos. The silks are translucent and gauzy, but wrapped in so many layers that impropriety cannot be suggested. The long end of the sari, laid over the shoulder flows delicately behind, leaving a barely-there shadow on the scorched ground. More common, simple, cotton saris adorn the hurrying bodies of servants running the day’s errands—the sari end that sophisticates the higher classes is unceremoniously tucked into the waist, so as to not hinder movement.

Walking the streets is a dangerous undertaking. Foot paths are rarely used for their intended purpose, encroached upon by fruit and vegetable vendors, ice cream sellers, beggars, store fronts that spill out onto the street, tiny slums, and the odd, forlorn, lost-looking cow. It is impossible to walk for longer than ten or twenty meters on any one stretch of sidewalk. Therefore, it becomes necessary to brave the heaving, cacophonous river of traffic. Dust and exhaust provide contrasting white and black clouds of suspended particles in the air. Law dictates that traffic moves on the left side of the road, but that suggestion is routinely ignored.

There is a hierarchy of vehicles on the road. At the pinnacle are the lumbering, exhaust spewing buses teeming with people. Before I arrived in India, I thought I understood the concept of a full bus. I was sorely mistaken. Here, bodies crush into the bus and spill out the doors. When there isn’t an inch of space left, men grab the handles intended to help you up the bus’s stairs and using the toes of one foot precariously attach themselves to the bottom step. Trucks come next in the pecking order, painted in bright golds, greens, and blues, with big letters in swirling script spelling out “Please Sound Horn” on the back. These vehicles have the default right of way, on account of their size, but like most big, heavy things, they don’t seem to be in much of a hurry to get anywhere. There are lighter varieties of trucks as well, in a spectrum from their heavy big brothers, all the way down to three-wheel, man-powered bicycles with a flat board on the back that carry everything from produce to mattresses.

Cars, from the light, agile tiny variety to the rare SUV fill in the spaces between buses and trucks. Honking is encouraged. The small cars dart in and out of traffic, crossing the center line, playing chicken with oncoming traffic. I had always measured the capacity of automobiles based loosely on the number of seatbelts. Silly me. Indians are much more industrious, with as many as a dozen people in a car built for five. Auto rickshaws, the sisters of Thai tuk-tuks, are Hyderabad’s taxi cabs. They are essentially motorcycles with three wheels and a soft roof. These too are hand-painted in bright colors—a base of gold, with more swirling script reading “4 in All,” dictating the number of passengers.
Motorcycles and scooters fill in the gaps that aren’t already occupied by buses, trucks, cars, and autos. Entire families ride motorcycles, with the man driving, one child in front of him, two behind him, and his wife, dressed in a sari, seated sidesaddle behind. This is by far the most efficient way to travel the city, if perhaps the most injurious to health. Notwithstanding chaotic traffic, smoke and dust from traffic is probably worse than smoking a pack of cigarettes per day.

There are also bicycles, people on foot, ox-carts, and every now and then, a camel. Traffic moves so close together that I could easily snatch an apple out of a neighboring auto passenger’s grocery bag. Traffic signals are in effect only in the most necessary intersections.

Even breathing, during the day, is exhausting. The oppressive heat saps energy and the constant movement of the city is tiring. After a day about the city, I return to my baking apartment tired, dirty, and sweating. I crave a cold shower to wash the dust from my skin, but in Hyderabad, there is no need for a hot water heater, at least in the summer. Steaming water that has been baking in the sun all day pours out of my showerhead. On especially hot days, it is necessary to leave the water running for a few minutes so you don’t burn yourself.

Mastering the physics of air movement through ventilation, ceiling fans, and my air cooler (which uses water evaporation to cool the air), I have managed to make it just comfortable enough to sleep at night.

By far the most relaxing times of day are at either end—dusk and dawn. At dusk, while the sun goes down, the city heaves a great sigh of relief. The air gets cooler, breezes begin to blow through, and the city prepares to rest for the evening. The dawn brings a new day and literally shines new light on the city. Each sunrise is a mini spring, bringing rejuvenation and revitalization to the city of Hyderabad.

Monday, August 21, 2006

"Cities don't get jealous of other lovers"

I'm in an interesting place right now. India can be nothing but a transition for me in the long term, but I've decided that thinking of it like that in the short term would be like only halfway living here, and I'm never a fan of halfway anything. I'm much more of a jump in with both feet and suffer the consequences later kind of person :)

So, jump I have, and thrown myself fully into my job, attempted to create, not just a place to stay, but a home for myself, and made not only easy friendships but fast connections with some pretty fantastic people. I was looking at plane tickets to the States today, and started daydreaming about New York, the people I love there and how they've changed over the past year ... and all the things I love about the city--the Chrysler Building, the poet's walk in Central Park, the sidewalk cafes in the West Village, bagels with cream cheese and lox ... but everything has been dulled around the edges, a patina has formed on my views of the city, and I just can't quite taste the bagels like I used to. It's certainly not the end of the world, it can only be expected when a year passes between a person and a city, but it made me realize something. My relationship with New York has changed. It's not "home" anymore. New York is my long-term love. I've left it because to better love it, I needed to experience what the rest of the world has to offer. I had to go to China and climb the Great Wall, get an authentic Thai massage in a Buddhist temple, take the tram up Victoria Peak and see Hong Kong harbour at night, sit with village women in rural rural India and talk to them about the changes they're making in their communities. I'll steal away for a short tryst from time to time, to be seduced again by the buzz that surrounds the city, by the in-your-face-attitude, by it's toughness and by its grace. After a time, when I've studied the pre-Columbian ruins in Peru, helped make wine in a South African vineyard, learned to dive in the Great Barrier Reef, I'll go back to New York. And lucky for me, cities don't get jealous of other lovers. If I was getting to any point here amidst my tangential thoughts, it's that my home, at least for now and for better or worse, is India.